A few months ago I met a girl while doing a makeup course. Every week we'd go to our class learning new skills along the way, I also learned about this girl along the way too. She intrigued me. While beautiful and confident there was a vulnerability about her that drew me to her. She was open and honest about her precarious past, sharing her life story often candidly with the rest of us throughout the four months we studied together. She dropped in and out of the course due to ill health and "stomach issues" which she told us were due to her said past lifestyle. As we weren't close and did not have any other real connection other than the course many of us (there were nine of us in total) made the usual mutterings of concern and asked if she was ok after she had returned to class one evening. As a group we were of course worried for our new friend, though I'm not sure any of us really understood the extent of her ill health. We graduated from the course, had a fun night and went our separate ways. A few days ago this girl contacted me, looking for help. She told me that the night after our graduation she was hospitalised and had been there since. We graduated the end of January and so to hear she had been in hospital since then really shocked and worried me. I told her that if there was anything that I could do to help I would. And so that is why I am posting this today. Hazel Rainsford asked me to share her story. The following are her words from her experience with Anorexia Nervosa, depression, anxiety and stress. These are issues I'm sure many people have heard about but have little understanding of. I'm hoping that by posting this it will start a conversation about the importance of taking care of your mental health.
Medical diagnosis: Anorexia Nervosa, Stress, Depression and Anxiety
About a month ago I was brought to Connolly Hospital Blanchardstown after dealing with my GP for almost 2 years and there was nothing more she could do to help me with my weight issue. After so many collapses my body just couldn't take any more and I was made an inpatient in the psychiatric ward in Blanchardstown Hospital for intense treatment. Why I choose to become an inpatient was after my final collapse in ALDI while I was shopping. Usually when I collapse I'm able to get straight up. This time I wasn’t. I was out for about 10 minutes which terrified me. I really didn't think I was going to wake up. When I did I was surrounded by people which caused me to have a panic attack. I decided then that I just couldn't take it anymore. It knew it was unfair letting my 20 month old son see me like that. I needed to get help not only for myself but for my baby. How could I look after him if I couldn't look after myself? That’s what gave me the drive and strength to become an inpatient in the physc ward. Many people think the psychiatric ward is for ‘crazy’ people and you only go there because you’ve lost your mind! Let me tell you that is complete and utter nonsense. There are people in there for so many other reasons and if I didn't attend I wouldn't be able to tell my story and spread awareness. I ended up there for a cocktail of reasons namely Anorexia Nervosa, Depression, Stress and Anxiety. It really helped me. I couldn't be more thankful for everything my team of doctors and nurses did for me. My depression caused my anorexia and it caused my anxiety. I let it control my life and destroy me as a person. I had never had anxiety or a panic attacks up until about 19 months ago, just after the birth of my son. I completely stopped taking care of myself. I just didn't care anymore and I found I became very down. I isolated myself away from my family and friends and anyone who tried to help me. If anyone did try approach me I would get angry and start a fight with them just so I wouldn't have to face what was really going on. I made life hard for myself because I refused help for my illness. I would lock myself away and just cry when no one was around but if somebody was with me I’d put a big front on and act like everything was OK even though I knew it wasn’t. I was trying to convince myself I didn't need help which is completely the WRONG THING TO DO!! And now I have to live with the consequences. My organs were shutting down I was so weak, walking down the road to my local shop was a challenge for me. I found out when I went to the hospital that I now have liver damage, my stomach had shrunk and started to close up all because I refused to eat. Not because I wanted to be thin, I couldn't care less about my size so it was nothing to do with wanting to be skinny. I felt so down all the time. I never wanted to eat and if someone tried to make me eat I'd panic and get angry at them. I used to feel like throwing up every time I ate my body was rejecting food because of my mind!! Your mind is the first thing that is affected when you don't feed your body and I know people think that's not true but it is!! Food is the most important thing to fuel your mind, body and soul if you don't take care of yourself you can't have a normal healthy life. I underwent many tests, scans, cameras down into my stomach…and one of the most upsetting things is the chances of anymore children is slim. Anorexia is a life threatening illness and is a silent killer and only you can help yourself by asking for help! I finally did and I feel so much better that I did. I know feel like the world isn't such a bad place and I can finally be the girlfriend and mother I want and need to be. I'm so blessed to have such a supportive partner and family who have stood by my side every step on this long road, and it still is a long road ahead to my recovery. But I now know that I'll get there, I'm determined to get there. I know that I can talk about my feelings and just get the negativity out of my head because keeping it in there makes you worse. You can't change what happened in the past or you can't choose your future you just have to accept it and live in the moment and enjoy life no matter what it throws at you have some faith that things will get better if you let them. I'm still under going treatment. Even though I was discharged from the hospital I'm now an outpatient and have to attend the day hospital twice a week. My treatment includes therapy, a meal plan, physiotherapy to regain the muscle my body ate away at, coping classes and relaxation. I've been set up with a diet attrition to help me put some weight on and assigned a community nurse who will randomly check up on me to make sure I'm not going back to my old ways which is everything I need. In my classes I’ve learned a lot about mindfulness which helps me control my breathing, to help control panic attacks and anxiety. I’ve also been taught my tell-tale signs to notice when an attack is coming on. My sign is that I scratch at my hands and face, something I never noticed before. They have also taught me that it is important to have some me time. I have to take an hour out of each day and do something that I enjoy whetever it is from doing my makeup, drawing or even listening to music. They do all this at your own pace. They’ve taught me to write down my feelings to get them out of my head so I'm not overthinking all the time. The progress I’ve made in a month is huge but I know I’ve still a long way to go until I overcome this illness. I'm feeling much better already, my mind is clearer now that I have accepted my illness and I hope my story will give other people the strength to ask for help because I know how hard it is to actually admit you need help.
I found these sites very helpful to me :
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